I’ve never blogged before. I’m not even sure I fully understand the concept really, but it occurred to me yesterday that it may be cathartic in a way to write down some of my internal chatter, so here I am.
First and foremost, I am a mum. In fact, at the moment, it’s the only identity I have. I’m not sure if that fact in itself is what bothers me, or if this is a by-product of post natal depression.
Being honest, there has been a lingering depression with me for almost 20 years. I have a wonderful husband now, a beautiful son, a good relationship with my mum and in laws, but I don’t know if I’ll ever feel “balanced”.
Will there always be a cloud hanging over me?
I had a good day yesterday. Nothing ground breaking, I just felt like the day went well and I was content for a moment. Then today, that nagging feeling has somehow crept back. What the hell happened overnight?! It’s a bit like hangover doom, a constant feeling of dread. I remember being sat on the bus to primary school with this feeling. The thought of my own little boy feeling like that at such a young age is makes me feel uneasy.
At the end of the day, I suppose that is what post natal depression is all about. The pressure to make sure your child never has to feel the way you did when you were sad, scared, worried, lonely etc.